This is an expanded version of a piece I wrote in June of 2009.
Nightclub Owners and Bookers; A Field Guide
People play music because they love to play music. “Play.” The artistic freedom. Good times with friends. The titillating satisfaction that comes with the situational adoration that accompanies performance…y’know; chicks.
I don’t throw around absolutes too often, *ahem*, but I will say this; nobody ever got into music because they enjoyed the concept of trying to book gigs. There is no “thrill of the hunt” in continuously trying to talk bar owners out of their money. Let’s face it; the ‘business’ part of the music business, is often demoralizing and depressing, and probably contributes more to Musician Drop-out than anything else, except maybe “Musicians Flaky-Jerk Syndrome”.
So let’s walk our way through some typical Club Owners and/or Bookers to see if by identifying their genus and species, we can’t learn to deal with them better.
“The Beer Seller”; Easy to spot due to a certain general weariness that permeates their existence. Upon engaging them, it’s easy to begin questioning whether they even like music at all. Incapable of understanding why you can’t draw two hundred people at Eleven PM on a Tuesday night to their ‘hot spot’ that no one goes to. Be careful; ‘Moral Ambiguity’ is a trademark of the Beer seller, and you can never be sure where the uncrossable line exists. Sure, hiring strippers to ‘dance’ during your set will fill the room, and sell a lot of beer, but chances are that for every person who may enjoy such a thing, there are others who will be mad. Really mad. The irony of the “Careful what you wish for” lesson is wasted on the Beer Seller.
Care and Feeding; Engage the Beer Seller only if you are adept at selling beer. If you have that kind of draw, take advantage of it and woo only the best Beer Sellers with the brightest plumage. Otherwise, you should probably avoid them.
“The Moneyed Hipster”; The entire reason for even owning a Nightclub for the Moneyed Hipster is because of the elevated status it brings to it’s owner. You’re ability to be booked there is directly proportionate to how cool it would be to have a picture taken with you. Make no mistake, he considers you part of his plumage. Deep psychological problems from childhood are always on display. Put one small chip in his well constructed mental playhouse, and he’ll turn on you in an instant, and all of his self aggrandizing stories will become cries of “You’ll never work in this town again.” He could, for instance, be on stage trying to turn off your bass amp while the lead singer is running through the club chased by Bouncers, gleefully knocking over the house P.A., and you wind up in a Sacramento motel two hours later thinking “What the hell was THAT?”
Care and Feeding; Cultivate the relationship. Moneyed Hipsters have a tendency to overpay to hang out with you, and throw cash around to attract friends. They might as well throw some your way! Just remember to keep an escape route for when it goes bad.
“The Woe-is-Me”; You generally have to get close to hear their plaintive call; some variation on “Life is hard, running a bar is harder, and thankless, and if I can scrape by for just one more month, I’ll be doing the world a favor.” There is some speculation that the Woe is a crossbreed between the Beer Seller and the Moneyed Hipster, but to date, there’s no scientific proof of that. Generally very friendly, they are quick to talk about their problems, and offer visions of a glorious future just over the horizon. Beware; one minute, you’re practically partners, and before you know it, your band is playing New Years Eve for two hundred bucks and a handful of shiny promises. When you try to cash in those promises, you find the Woe has already sold out and flown the coup. You get one more soul crushing “no good deed goes unpunished” lesson.
Care and Feeding; Engage but keep a respectful distance. Commiserate instead of sympathize. Stay business-like. Remember that generally speaking, no favor done for a club owner, especially a Woe-is-Me, is ever repaid.
“The Jade Climber”; The entire life span of the Jade Climber is focused on showing everyone else how much too important they are to bother with the likes of you. This species doesn’t build its own nest at all, but somehow talks its way in and takes over booking at an already existing one. Without having to worry about things like profit or business at all, soon only their own friends get booked. Beyond that, it’s whoever is convenient. Eventually, it’s “whoever calls at 1PM on the third Monday of the month.”
Care and Feeding; Do not attempt to kiss the Jade Climber’s ass. He or she would just enjoy seeing you fall from what they consider such lofty heights. Force yourself to be friendly, ignoring their lack of reciprocation. It will bug them that they’re “cool” doesn’t intimidate you, and they’ll remember you.
“The Clueless Wonder”; One of the more dangerous breeds, the Clueless Wonder can draw you in with it’s song. Full of big plans and ideas, you may start thinking you’ve finally found the perfect specimen, who’ll work with you and there will be enough success to spread around to everyone! Soon, small failures and set backs start piling up, and by the time you notice the damage, there are padlocks on the doors, with your equipment still on stage, and the Clueless Wonder is taking out a loan to buy a Laundromat in Stockton.
Care and Feeding; Distance is the key here. You’re not a partner. While it’s always good to work with Owners and Bookers, never lose sight of the fact that if you supply a service, you should get paid. That booze behind the bar isn’t there based on a favor.
“The Golden Goose”; Believe it or not, they do exist! Generally, they run clubs because they actually like music! They will treat you honestly, do what they say they will, and generally make you feel taken care of. They are easy to build a working relationship with, and you find yourself liking them beyond just the business. Their plumage isn’t always the brightest, but they look gorgeous to you!
Care and Feeding; First and foremost, honesty. Show them you’ll work hard for them. Sometimes they’ll overpay you, sometimes you’ll give them a break. The Golden Goose shows a rare propensity to become your friends. Hard to believe, but true!
Hopefully this handy guide will help you navigate you’re path to success. I have a feeling though, that information like this doesn’t always get heeded. Unfortunately, in this business, it seems everyone has to make their own set of mistakes, no matter how well worn the path may seem. And that’s the real nature of the business.
